The worst part about saying goodbye is the moment before the last moment. When you have said all the things you wanted to say, and you are ready to part, as ready as you can be, and you just stand there and look at each other and don´t know what to do. Then you finally say "hasta luego" and slowly pull away and walk in different directions. On my last day here it is rainy and sad outside.... I am full of saying-goodbye food. Churros and chocolate from this morning at La Madrileña with Amy... oragne juice and tea from Club Social where I said goodbye to both Velia and Silvia. I went out for dinner last night with Velia at a really cool kind of funky place with lots of international selections-- we had sushi and an indonesian salad and a plate of little samosas. Really fun... she decided that I needed to have some classical Spanish music, so she burned a CD last night and we had to meet up again today so I could get it. That was Velia goodbye number 2, goodbye number 3 came when Silvia and I ended up sitting down at the table next to Velia and her friends in Club Social. Velia´s style of goodbye was cheerful, "¡Hasta mañana!" See you tomorrow. Silvia and I on the other hand, drew it out and hugged and cried in the middle of the cafeteria... She gave me a beautiful gift that she made herself. This colorful moon and sun decoration with a saying on the back that she said was her philosophy of living: "Haz de tu vida un sueño y de ese sueño una realidad." Make a dream of your life, and of that dream, a reality. I can´t translate it very well. It´s beautiful. What a hard goodbye... So now everything is done except packing, which I´m going home to do. Paz told me yesterday that if I can´t fit everything into my suitcase she will pay to send a box home, which was really nice and very appreciated. Paz and Paloma are the big goodbyes I have left... Also going to try to go out tonight to see the guys play for the last time and say goodbye to all of the Council kids... LAST TIME writing in the ol´ blog from the computer lab at school.... or from the Costa Blanca, for that matter. See y´all soon.

4:00 pm Alicante temperature, 18 de diciembre de 2002: 73ºF.

So. It´s 4:06 pm on Wednesday, which was the point in time that has been my goal. I just had to make it to this point.... and now I am here. Tomorrow I have one little teensy part of an exam, our listening section for my conversation class that will take 20 minutes. I am meeting with Velia tonight (for the LAST TIME) to pick up my draft of my paper that she corrected for me, which I need to tidy up and email in tomorrow. That is the total of work that I have for the semester. It is crazy to realize this, because I have been so totally crazy. But I got through my three exams today, that were not very hard, and that made me feel like I know Spanish pretty darn well... I am definately not fluent but I speak well and can understand pretty much any conversation if the other person is intentional about speaking... I was noticing as I wrote my papers that I am even pretty good at skimming in Spanish and understanding articles without looking up every word, although that is really hard. Speaking of papers, I turned in my trabajo de mierda today POR FIN!!! Here is the story of that paper. I worked on it when I could, after I finished writing my other paper. Had a bunch of books, had a bunch of information saved on a diskette. Was researching and reading when I got a chance but amidst choir concerts and rehearsals and LAST TIMES I didn´t have a good start on it. Sunday night talked about the paper at Ana´s (profesor) house and realized what other research I had to do. I did some more of that, found some more stuff on Monday online, started writing at home before the choir rehearsal, and then my plan was to work on it all day on Tuesday. Finished my research Tuesday morning, Tuesday afternoon went to really get into writing it and then I was going to finish it after the concert last night. Except that when I started writing my diskette messed up and I lost all of my research that I had saved in the file. Which was basically all of it, except for 2 or 3 of the books I have. So I had to re-research everything, and it was horrible, and by the time came to go to the concert I had caught up with my research but had nothing written. I met Silvia and Lorenzo in the bus stop at six and I cried because I was so stressed out about it, and they were really great and made me feel better... Luckily the concert was a good time. Silvia and I split a pack of castañas (chestnuts, roasting on an electric fire) on the route. LAST TIME singing with the choir.... we got to wear fancy teal robes with cummerbunds. Again, it was a combined concert with another choir and an orchestra, and we were packed into this tiny place that was very very very sweaty. We sang selections from Handel´s Messiah, Jesu Joy of Man´s Desiring, a Spanish folk song and Silent Night. We sounded good, they really liked us-- It´s really cool when you finsih singing and are greeted by a shout of "¡BRAVO!" But then I had to say goodbye to everyone and I was sad... Marí Carmen wasn´t there, Leticia wasn´t there... I really liked the people in that choir. I am really going to miss them... the weird part was that lots of people didn´t know that I was leaving, or that I wasn´t going to come back, and it´s weird when you feel like you´re saying goodbye forever and they don´t seem to care. Even people that you don´t know, but you know their face and their personality and suddenly that´s it-- Ah. So, I got home at 10:30, Paz was using the computer, I tried to study some and watched a few minutes of Un Paso Adelante (for the LAST TIME) (Lola and Gero are dating now, and Carmen isn´t going to be in charge of the school anymore, and Pedro finally told Lola that he was in love with her) **Funny story: I accidentally stumbled upon Paloma´s "diary" that is just a book she writes in once every few months, but it opened to a page with my name on it and I read the following entry: A Lindsay le gusta Gero, pero Gero es para Lola y para mí que se busque un chico americano por ejemplo su Novio mira hay viene Adios" Translation: "Lindsay likes Gero, but Gero is for Lola and for me, she should find some American guy, for example, her boyfriend, look here she comes, adios." Cute... (End of funny story, back to simultaneous discription of horrible paper writing experience and explaination of my current crazy state) So Paz didn´t get off the computer until 12:30, which is when I finally got going on writing the damn thing... I had made some coffee that kept me going pretty strong, and the same coffee was keeping me going when I woke up this morning at 7 after going to sleep at 5. Worked on the paper at school in between exams, my conversation teacher Cristina corrected half of it for me... Turned it in only an hour late. It is the worst paper I have ever written in my life, in any language. So yeah, maybe those two hours of sleep, or rather six hours of not-sleep are catching up to me. Now I have to go home and nap and start packing because I´m freaking leaving the day after tomorow. Have to see if I can fit all my stuff in my suitcases or if I´ll have to mail home my summer clothes. Have to decide if I want to go out tonight or tomorrow night, the band is playing for the LAST TIME tomorrow night at Jazz Bar... Meeting Velia for the LAST TIME this evening, getting churros and chocolate for the LAST TIME with Amy tomorrow morning, meeting Silvia for the LAST TIME for coffee tomorrow... Ah mi Silvia, I´m going to miss you so much. Apologies to everyone reading this....... Never thought I´d say it..... I don´t want to go home yet.

Forgot to write about important thing from Thursday. I went to the elementary school for the LAST TIME... when I arrived Maria was rushing around like a crazy person, almost the same as my perpetual state this week, with this other guy who was showing her how to use a video camera. I got my usual greeting when teh class saw me ("LINDSAY!!!!!!") as well as a Christmas card from one little girl. Suddenly Maria was telling me that I was going to be famous for generations of English classes at her school, and then she told everyone in the class to hurry and get out their interview sheets again, and suddenly I was becoming the subject of the first video Maria ever taped in her life. We repeated our interview from the first day (what´s your name, can you spell that please, where do you live, what´s your address, etc) and then she asked me to explain and sing my song, the song about Joe in the button factory, as if it was the first day I taught it to everyone. So she taped me doing the whole stupid song by myself, pushing buttons and jumping around in front of the class like an idiot, and then the whole class did it and we got them on tape. Then she recorded me talking about Christmas, and how we decorate teh house, and how to make a snowman, in a mixture of english and spanish, and I sang Away in a Manger and class was over. It was embarrassing and I was on the spot, but she said I did a good job... pretty silly. I´m so glad that everyone who ever attends that school will get to see Crazy American Lindsay and her button song. Said goodbye to Maria... i hate goodbyes. I was thinking about all the major goodbyes I have had to say... I hate them always. Friday was a day of movies in class, we watched the end of Barrio for conversation and a really really great movie called La Lengua de Las Mariposas (The Tongue of Butterflies). Homework, errands, at night was the Magnificat concert, which went well, all things considered. I have to gripe about Jose Luis of course... The orchestra played Handel´s Water Music before we sang, so during this, we were basically waiting in the wings, and while the concert was going on, Luis was talking to the choir and making noise that was obviously audible in the audience, in teh church... So of course everyone was talking, and then getting too loud, and then shushing each other... Jose Luis made us shut up in between the different pieces, but as soon as the music started again, we could talk. Totally unprofessional, totally rude... I was so pissed. then during the concert (he sang with us, the other guy directed) he would talk in between pieces when the people clapped, or while the orchestra was playing, and he quietly sang along with the soloists, and he hummed our pitches before we came in without an introduction........ARGHAHEAHGHEAHAHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! But other than that the concert was fun and went well. The orchestra was great, the people really liked us. Afterwards we all went out for dinner in a huge group, and although the place said the kitchen was closed when we got there, they decided tey would rather make 250 bucks off of us instead and opened it up and brought out plate after plate of awesome tapas. Had fun singing in the restaurant, good times.... Said goodbye to lots of people as I was seeing them for the LAST TIME. Lupe, Javi, Pascual... Pascual is the guy in the alto section, who I never really got to know, but we were just friends, we just always stood together and enjoyed each other´s company. He came and asked for my email address, even though he doens´t have email but he is getting it soon and will write me then... It´s weird, really. As he said, "I know we haven´t even really ever talked to each other but I feel this connection, I look in your eyes and feel like I know you, I really am goign to miss you." I felt the same way... The strange phenomenon of meeting, rather than making, a friend. Saturday I woke up and went out to do some Christmas shopping in the big outdoor market by Plaza de Toros. It was sunny, I had my coat in hand and was still way too warm in my sweater. Worked all afternoon, had a nice time hanging out and being at home with Paz and Paloma, which was great because we haven´t seen each other much lately and things had gotten kind of strange. But they´re better again and I´m sure we´ll leave on a good note. Went out with Amy later. We started the night at "Bierwinkel´s," this German bar, and had beer and little sausages wrapped in bacon!! Funny. The barrio was kind of dead and we never ran into anybody we knew, so we went to a few chill places, got a turron McFlurry, but the night we thought would be long and crazy ended early. Sunday, shopping again, places were open!! due to the holiday season. Ate my LAST big Sunday meal-- at Burger King by myself. Studied, got stressed out, went to our Mujeres professor´s house for coffee, except only me and two other people showed up. Stupid class, stupid stupid stupid waste of everything. At least now we don´t have to memorize a bunch of crap for an exam, we only have to do the paper. which I don´t have enough time to do, so I must run, because it is freaking me out and I have to work on it. Took our written conversation exam this morning. LAST choir rehearsal tonight. Grammar class, oral part of conversation exam tomorrow. Choir concert. Wednesday: Grammar exam, Reading/Writing exam (writing about the movie), turn in Mujeres paper (have to write it before I turn it in though), general language test for Council (a post-test, we took the placement test at the beginning and now they want to see what we learned), Thursday churros y chocolate with Amy for breakfast, conversation listening part, turn in Dos Democracias paper, pack..... Friday go home.

In one week I will be on the airplane. I have so much to do in one week.

Yesterday was soooooooo long, as Wednesdays usually are. Clases de español 9-12, last Desarollo class 12-2, talking to Armando about badness of combined Mujeres/Desarollo class 2:15-2:45, email, last Dos Democrácias class 3:30-5, internet/attempted work in computer lab time, bought bocadillo from Club Social (currently surviving on bocadillos and café), went to choir to say hi to everybody but left before the rehearsal started, got picked up from the Uni at 8:15 to go to Xàbia for the 9:30 Magnificat rehearsal, arrived at the freezing but beautiful stone church at 9:25, ate our bocadillos, rehearsal didn´t start until 10:15 as choir and orchestra members were dragging themselves in and the director was getting closer adn closer to exploding from frustration, had our rehearsal. The rehearsal went well, except for being really cold and acoustically not so great, and except for me being completely aggrivated at Juan Luis, the director of the coro universitaria, as he talked or sang or made noises whenever the director was talking or the orchestra was playing or trying to tune up, and hummed our pitches at the beginning of every piece, and made fun of the soloists, and ignored/told us to sing the opposite of the written dynamics but insisted that it was easier to sing the written (incorrect) lyrics than get everyone to change the phrase, and whined and complained when the director did something differently than the way he liked it, and was generally the least professional, most rude and obnoxious person there. At 11:45, when we got to the end of the last song, the director said, "okay, now we´ll just run the whole thing through from the top." He said this in Valenciano, which is a dialect of Spanish that is kind of a combination of Castellano ("normal" Spanish) and French, which was the language that he spoke throughout the entire rehearsal. So we sang the whole thing again (much to Luís´s dismay and whininess), and then sang through the Hallelujah chorus just to put the icing on the cake and thouroughly wear out our voices. At 12:30 we were free to go... I got home at 2 am. And was at school again this morning!! Well it was almost my last long Wednesday... next week I just have to deal with five solid hours of exams, from 9-2, and turn in two term papers. Madre mia... I can do this!!

If this weblog entry had a title it would be, to the tune of the Clash, "I FOUGHT THE BULL, AND THE BULL WON." I was at school all day yesterday working, salí corriendo to make the bus home, drop off my stuff, and bus back to Plaza Luceros to meet Council and go to the Capea. It wasn´t everybody but most of the group was together again for the last time on the bus... I was thinking about how much the dynamic had changed since the beginning of the semester. Now all the faces are familiar and everyone knows who their friends are and who they get along with, and the whole group is more at ease just because we know who we all are. The scenery outside the window kept getting darker and darker and more and more sparse, until we were bumping along on some tiny dirt road in the middle of tumbleweedy nowhere. Suddenly the bus stopped and there was a little structure in front of us... getting off the bus then was kind of like the Spain you imagine, dark night, sliver of moon, dusty dry grassy terrain, a little mountain in the distance, this little whitewashed gate with a jigsaw-cut top like the tower of a castle and decorated by a few inch thick lines running along it. Went inside, they took us to the kitchen, and we saw the biggest damn paella cooking we had ever seen... The plate was huge. Probably five feet across. Smelled so gooood... We ate in a big wooden room, kind of a wooden tent-type round space with a platform in the middle and various heaters spaced throughout. Tapas first, salad and queso and chips and croquettes, and then the delicious paella, and fruit and coffee and plenty of vino for everybody. I was totally stuffed and had a great time. Then the folk band Tuna showed up in costume with their guitars to play for us, and that was awesome too. After that it was time for the Capea. We headed outside to the ring, past the giant sign that said that they weren´t responsible for any type of injury. We were the only people there, so everyone kind of spread out around the ring. Those who wanted to acutally entered the ring and stood behind the four little walls, one against each cardinal direction. These people were given red felt pieces of material to be their toro capes. My dictionary defines capea as "bullfight with young bulls." In my experience, capea signifies "a bunch of semi-drunken americans stupidly standing / running around a ring with a fast, strong, dangerous animal." It was absolutely fun. I was sitting in the bleachers with most of the people watching. Everyone is waiting in the ring, and suddenly they open the door and this "baby bull" comes charging out. It was much bigger and faster and stronger and more angry than anybody expected. Larger than a very large dog, and complete with a tiny set of little horns, about two inches long. So everybody runs behind the walls screaming and laughing and cursing with fear. Poco a poco people started coming out and giving it a try, waving their capes and moving at the last minute as the bull charges next to them. Some were more successful than others. I think that everybody in there got knocked down or run into at least once, or hurt themselves fleeing from the scary bull, like one guy who flung himself clear over the wall to escape but didn´t land so well. It was hilarious and really fun... I was having a big internal conflict between "I can´t believe those people are doing this, It´s incredible they let us do this, It´s totally stupid and dangerous" and "Brittany is the only girl out there. There are more girls than guys in this group tonight. I could do that. Am I not going just because I´m a girl? If I don´t try it I will regret it forever. There´s only one girl doing it! I can´t let my Women´s and Gender Studies major down." And back to, "I am going to be the one to get really hurt... I am so out of shape... how sober am I?... I don´t have to prove it to these people, I can be smart and safe instead..." I was going back and forth for a while, having a great time watching and laughing with the rest of the spectators.... Then they let the bull back in and brought out a new one, who was fresh and ready to go and when he charged out everyone screamed and ran away to safe places, and the audience all said "whoa!" or "damn!" or "ahh!" except for one person; I heard Ellie´s voice plainly say, "Oh, he´s so cute!!" I said to the girl next to me, "If I go in will you take a picture for me?" and grabbed my red cape. Didn´t have any interaction with the bull at first, letting other people do it, he passed by my cape one time kind of in a line after the guy before me. I think my initial words upon viewing the bull face to face were, "Shit you guys I´m scared!" But eventually I had my go... Did pretty good, had a couple of good passes, but then the bull didn´t run past me, just kind of stayed close to me and I kept turning and suddenly I was in the air and then I was on the ground and he was running away. My hat and my cape were some yards away... at this point my words were, "yeah, I´m okay, but I´m done." It must have looked bad because a lot of people that I saw today were like, "Lindsay, are you allright?" But it was not too bad, just a little bruised on my lower back and hip. I was about par for the people who gave it a try-- including a couple more girls, Amy included. It was super fun, a great night. The final score of the night´s opponents (not that these things are always opposite each other): Logic vs. Feminism: Feminism wins! Stupidity vs. Security: Stupidity wins! Fear vs. Bravery: Bravery wins! Lindsay vs. Baby Bull: Baby Bull wins! Pride vs. Pain: Pride wins by a landslide! Still feeling pretty darn proud of myself, and as Trip and I were saying to each other, glad to have another story to tell to the grandkids someday.

I am remembering what it is like to be stressed out by too much to do and too little time. I have to finish researching/write two term papers in Spanish, study for exams, rehearse/sing the Magnificat concert, rehearse/sing the regular university choir concert (well, one of them. I will be on an airplane during the other one), purchase the things I need to, find time to spend with important people... This stuff is all impeded by classes, bus travel time, availability of computers, siesta, mysterious trip to Murcia (for some reason) this Saturday to make up one of Gregorio´s missed classes, coffee at Ana´s on Sunday night to make up for one of HER missed classes, dinner with Council tonight and afterwards trip to a Capea where we get to run around with the baby bulls inside the bullring, etc... I´m looking for time to do stuff and not finding it. I may be able to check off the "book hostel in zurich" box on my list, because I sent an email to the City Backpacker Hostel... if not, I will get to enjoy an experience similar to those of these people. I did get a tip elsewhere that the airport chapel is a relatively peaceful place to crash though... So many ups and downs and mixed feelings lately. Choir rehearsal last night was HORRIBLE. Luis was at his worst, yelling mixed messages and being angry that people couldn´t sing better but not helping them to learn how. At one point he told the strong singers in each section (I was the alto) to shut up, and then made the choir sing the whole piece, poorly, for some reason, to prove they couldn´t do it or something. He was not happy to hear that I won´t be at the final concert... But I think the alto section is pretty good, and there were other strong singers who weren´t there last night. Such as Silvia. She wasn´t there, and I was so angry at the director, and so when we finally took our break I was thinking about leaving and calling somebody from home just because I was so frustrated, but instead I was met by a ton of attention from other singers in the choir telling me how much they were going to miss me... My friend Mari Carmen, an older woman who is a retired teacher and who is now taking some classes at the university, said how sad she was that I was leaving and started to tear up-- I was very surprised and touched. We´re going to try to find a time to have coffee together. She said she was looking for a CD of traditional Spanish music to give me to take home... I would like to give her one of Aaron Copland. She is very sweet. The Magnificat rehearsal was better, and Pascual, the guy who sings in the alto section and who has a fantastic voice, asked me if I had classes Monday afternoons because a choir that he sings with was beginning to work on something new and needed contraltos, and he liked my voice and wanted to know if I could join.... I told him I would love to but I was leaving soon. Things like that make me think-- just for a moment-- that maybe I could stay here, what would happen if I lived here a little while longer, I am going to miss out on so many things... But on the other hand I can´t wait to come home. It´s a crazy mix. I have written far too much weblog and far too little term paper... time to get crackin.